Introducing Support Networks: Lessons from My Insomnia Journey

At the start of 2023, I lost my ability to sleep. I would lie in bed, mind blank, but sleep just wouldn't come. This lingered for months, gradually worsening as days turned into weeks.

Being a tech-savvy guy, I thought I could "science" my way out of this problem. I Googled everything about insomnia. Within weeks, I had read 10 books on sleep. I spent hours chatting with ChatGPT and listening to all of Andrew Huberman's podcasts on the topic.

Nothing worked. My insomnia even worsened.

When things got very bad, I realized I needed help. At first, I was ashamed of sharing that I had a problem with my sleep. But when you're up against the wall, you figure out quickly that you need all the help you can get.

So I started to reactivate my personal network.

Each person I contacted gave me a piece of the puzzle—an advice about what I could try or directed me to a professional. It was a hectic and seemingly random process, but over time I started to connect the dots, figuring out some root causes of my condition and learning how to manage it.

Reflecting back on the whole journey of 2 years, there are two things that bother me—why didn't I reach out to my personal network sooner? Why did I struggle on my own for nearly 2-3 months before I started to actively seek help?

I came to the conclusion that there were 3 key reasons.

Reason 1: It Was Easier to Find Answers on the Internet

Finding a solution to a problem on the internet is easy. I did a Google search "how to cure my insomnia" and voila—I got a hit. Actually, 1 million hits. For $15 I got the "10-steps to cure your insomnia" book. For $150 I got this device that would send electrical signals to my brain to help me sleep. All I had to do was "Add to Cart" and pay.

I understood the risk of false claims, so I spent lots of time checking credibility and analyzing the product reviews. Yet, more often than not, purchases led to disappointment. It's not that the products didn't do what they claimed—they usually did. The issue was that they didn't work in my case. They didn't improve my sleep.

Reason 2: I was ashamed and didn’t want to bother my friends

The second reason was shame. Sleep problems are common, so it felt ridiculous to struggle so much. Everybody can sleep, right? I told myself I had to be respectful of others' time, that I shouldn't bother them with my problem.

In fact, I preferred to remain anonymous while seeking a fix. The internet doesn't judge; When going to doctors, I didn't ask for references from friends. No one knew who I was. It felt safer.

Reason 3: My network was not activated and not organized

The final reason: activating my support network wasn't easy. When I did a Google search, the internet showed me 1,000,000 entries on how I could fix my sleep.

When I searched "my network" (in LinkedIn), I got... 0 hits. No one lists in their LinkedIn profile that they can offer an advice on insomnia.

So the internet had gazillion answers, and my network appeared to have none.

After 2 years, I learned that my personal network had much more credible advice to my problem than the whole internet, yet this knowledge was "hidden beneath the surface."

Reconnect with My Networks

Dealing with my health problem helped me understand the true power of having a strong, activated, and organized support network. Since then, I've started to think in two areas—how do I reactivate my own support network and how do I enable more people to reactivate theirs?

So how do ones reconnects with their support network? It's actually simpler than it looks.

Step 1: Make the call. As simple as that.

That's the most important step. Make a call to a friend you haven't connected with in a while. If you don't have their phone number, LinkedIn works too. Meet for coffee, catch up. It's surprising how many strong relationships we've built over the years, but we've since disconnected from.

It is not necessary for everyone to agree to meet immediately, nor is it necessary for them to respond—connect with those who do. We don’t know what everyone is dealing with right now, so make no judgments.

Step 2: Ask questions. Listen for the story, share your story.

One can spend an hour having a small talk or discussing the last vacation they've been on. On the other extreme, a conversation can turn into an ego-boosting success-sharing contest—what I've achieved, what you've achieved. People don't support people who don't seem to have any need to be supported.

To create meaningful connection, begin by sharing some vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we reveal our humanity, opening the door to deeper conversations. You might face judgment, but that's an acceptable risk considering the potential benefits. Now, I occasionally mention my sleep challenges even when meeting people for the first time.

Equally important is asking questions—aim to speak no more than 50% of the time.

Step 3: Keep notes

In a situation of need, our memory is not our best ally. I can't count how many times I've spoken to a friend, and they've said, "Hey, why don't you call Peter for this..." and I'm like, "Yes, of course, why didn't I think about him before?". Our brains are just not equipped to deal with so wide social circles; hence some external support is needed.

I've made a habit of recording a few keywords after meeting a friend or returning from a networking conference. I store these in a networking app for easy searching. It doesn't seem to matter much at first, but after just a few months, the effect of this accumulation is astonishing.

Your Network is MUCH MORE than Your NET WORTH

There's a popular saying that "Your network is your net worth." What I don't agree with in that statement is that it implies you are worthy to the degree to which you've got a big network (you are born worthy, it doesn't matter whether you have big or small network,).

But what I think it does capture is that Your Network is Very Very Worthy.

I think we should see our networks not just as groups of people we can do business with or use to find higher-paying jobs. The real value lies in having a support network that helps you in times of need, saves you time, prevents you from making poor decisions, and ultimately improves your quality of life.

And that's only half the story.

The process of reactivating and building your support network is deeply rewarding. Calling a friend for advice strengthens your relationship. You feel gratitude when you receive guidance that truly helps. Your friend or contact experiences genuine joy from being able to assist (in most cases). You both learn something new in the process, and your bond grows stronger.

Over time, this creates a ripple effect. You become more connected with your network and friends. You feel supported. You feel connected. You feel happier.

What's Coming Next

This is the first in a series of articles I'll be sharing on the topic of "Support Networks". In the next ones, I'll share more information about AI and support networks, reciprocity and the science of trust. At Abilitics, we are working on a few tools that can aid you in your journey by reconnecting with your support networks which I will also be introducing on this channel.

If you'd like to receive an email notification when there is a new article, you can subscribe to the channel on SubStack – they will not more than once a week.

I'm keen to know your experience with activating your Support Networks—what challenges did you face, and what did you find useful? Please share in the comments below.